nothing to feel.

By: Jocelyn Lemus

 

i felt what was forbidden to feel.

she would not allow me to mention it.

not even in my sleep. 

she had scratched out the name of Love.

 

she pinned her needles inside me and twisted them,

later used them to sew my mouth.

for i shall never mention the name of Love.

 

she became the mysterious scar behind my back,

full of bloody beginnings and empty of acidic endings.

an arched back full of innocence and betrayal.

for I shall never mention the name of Love.

 

she became my master.

told me what body to wear,

flawless skin, curvy hips, and a flat stomach.

demanded what not to feel.

sadness, loneliness, guilt.

for I shall never mention the name of Love

 

she yelled my name with the deepest voice.

as i listened to her my ears bled, 

for it was not blood but love.

i begged the petals of roses to penetrate my untouchable and brown body,

for i shall be beautiful again.

 

she was always there, lurking at every step i took.

in the mirror,

on my silky sheets at night.

under my caramel-like skin.

inside my empty thoughts.

for i shall never mention the name of Love.

 

she killed me, i killed me.

 

How can you kill a human being while it’s still breathing?

 

she became me, i became she.

all because i felt what was forbidden to feel.